Baha Bar
February 4th 2010 Posted at Patio Furniture
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Baha Bar
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Bahai Religion + Wedding Reception + Alcohol?
I have a question about serving alcohol at our wedding reception if half of the guests are not Baha'i.
My fiance and his family are Baha'i and I am non-religious. His mother says that alcohol cannot be served at the reception due to her religion, but she also said that if any guests on my side wanted alcohol, they could go to the main restaurant bar (since there will be no alcohol bar in the banquet room) to buy their own alcohol. If this is the case, then I would think that if my parents were to go to the main bar and ordered bottles of champagne for our six tables of guests, then that should be okay, right?
The restaurant is also an American restaurant, not a Baha'i owned restaurant. My fiance's parents aren't the only ones hosting this reception. The cost is equally being shared by my parents, and both sides have an equal amount of guests. I don't think that it is fair that she herself decides for all the guests of both sides of the family that there cannot be alcohol.
Hi there. I'm a Baha'i, so I might be able to help out a little bit. I do wish to point out a few things that you may or may not know, but i'm also saying for the benefit of other people who are thinking about responding to this question:
+ Baha'is are forbidden to drink alcohol.
+ Having said that, Baha'is aren't forbidden to be in the presence of alcohol--this is a personal tolerance level. (I have no trouble being around alcohol, for example...I accompany friends to bars occasionally, though I stick to diet pepsi 
)
+ There is no Baha'i prohibition or stigma regarding marriage of a Baha'i and non-Baha'i.
+ There's no such thing as a "traditional" Baha'i ceremony, and correspondingly there aren't any customs to follow regarding a reception.
Baha'is are generally mature about handling the consumption of alcohol in their presence. It may upset some of the Baha'i guests but most of them will be understanding, especially if they have foreknowledge that alcohol will be at the reception. What *will* upset your Baha'i guests and have a negative impact on your reception, however, are things like
+ Public drunkenness
+ Potential conflicts with inebriated guests
+ Having glasses of alcohol set in front of them at the table setting
+ Toasts in which they are "expected" to raise a glass of champagne
+ Segregation--real or implied, social and cultural--from other guests because of the presence of alcohol
In my experience, Baha'is are not particularly uptight about the presence of alcohol. But since it is very much NOT part of our culture, some of us don't know how to respond to it--especially to people who have had too much to drink. It makes us uncomfortable, especially lifetime, elderly, or non-native (especially Persian) Baha'is. I think you must be sensitive to this.
Regarding a solution, Your idea is not a bad one in concept. But I think before you implement it that you, your fiance, and both sets of parents should sit down and talk honestly about it so that everyone's clear on what's going to happen. Baha'is are very big on "consultation" to get everyone involved in a discussion to arrive at a mutually agreeable solution. (i.e. Baha'is are *not* real big on issuing absolutes or ultimatums if there is any other way.) If you can't find a solution among that group (your family/his family), you might suggest that the consultation be promoted to the Local Spiritual Assembly (Baha'i local administration) for consideration.
I think there are several ways to find a happy compromise. For example if you decide to have champagne available, your future in-laws' portion of the reception costs could be reduced. Or conversely if your parents wish to purchase champagne independently, their portion of the cost could be reduced. Your fiance's parents probably feel very strongly that they don't even want to have a hint of a perception that they are supplying or paying for alcohol; I can readily see their strong objections there. I also think they'd be extremely upset if any Baha'i guest accidentally consumed alcohol (i.e. grabbed a random glass off a caterer's tray), so keep that in mind.
To those extents I suspect a Baha'i parent would prefer an option by which alcohol is both discreet and an "opt-in" activity, instead of being highly visible and available "by default". Other possible concessions could be to offer to forego traditional toasts, or to change the custom of bride and groom drinking champagne with interlocked arms.
I think--I hope--that you, your fiance, your parents, and his parents will be able to find an acceptable solution. I'm confident that your fiance's family will find some way to give ground without compromising their religious beliefs. Best of luck and congratulations on the upcoming wedding.
[p.s. sorry for rambling!]
Baha Bar
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